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Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Today hasn't been good at all... I was sittin on the couch wondering... if Diane had thrown out my Sega Genisus... So I called her up and asked her.. She GAVE it away.. GAVE IT AWAY... Without even ASKING me.. she gave MY sega away... I was so pissed, i just started bitching at her.. then I started bitching at my dad..and he took her side... She called my dad after she hung up on me and bitched at my dad for letting me call her at work and "upsetting" her..and of couse he was all "Im sorry.. blah blah.. Princess di it will never happen again your royal bitchyness.." okay, so maybe not all that.. but he'll comfort her when she's upset... but not me... He was like "I DONT WANT TO ARGUE ON MY VACATION" I was just like "i dont care what the hell this is, im pissed off and if I want to argue IM GOING TO ARGUE.." I was so pissed i started crying and ran to my room to call Randy... I was like a 6 year old throwing a tantrum and slamming my door... But dammit it was MINE... I think what really bothers me is that..well.. Every last shred of Jared is being removed from our home... His room is stripped... His stuff given away, thrown out.. all except for a few things my dad and I snatch before the bitch has time to throw them away... I just.. my bro loved the sega when he was little... we played all the time... And she just had NO RIGHT to give it away without even saying ANYTHING to me at all... But.. enough of that... GRR..

My muse is back... Well for right now anyways... Here's the poem I just wrote.. it's called "I'm not good enough to be that strong" Shitty title, I know.. But I honestly couldn't come up with anything else...

What if's and maybe's go running through my head...
Sometimes I just wish those words were never said..
And I wish I could just dissapear and be alone instead...
I should have listened to Daddy when he said The life I lead shouldn't be led.
Too late, i've jumped too far in...
I've comitted far too many a sin..
And i've already cut, sliced, tortured my own skin.
I just long to feel safe, secure and happy...Within.
I've never quite been this way..
Second guessing myself, Trying not to become another cliche..
Pulling back and thinking things through, but today really isn't the day,
The day to tell myself that everything is going to be... okay.
I really should stop my loathsome crying..
It doesn't lead to anything more but my soul slowly and sadly dying..
Closing my eyes imaging myself free and flying..
Wanting so bad to get so far...without even trying.
Watching the world come out and show me a sign..
of "you know what you want", so stop using that line.
Yeah..I know what I want, it's a peice of what makes me reach for cloud nine.
Something that would never ever even be mine.
So you say I hate myself far too much..
And when I feel your skin, i've got an unworthy touch.
When all I really want is to do is leave my dark and gloomy hutch..
I really do just want to start standing on my own...And break off this invisible crutch.
I want to leave my dead life a million miles behind..
And I want my voice to become one of a kind..
I'm so sick of living my life so confined...
I need to get out, taste the world.. and just completely unwind.
But then I remember sometimes my head confuses what I want, and what I got.
That dreaming so far, and reaching for untouchables will only tie me in a knot.
Sneaking my sin through the door, im always going to get caught..
And I'll always say it was as simple as "Oops, I forgot."
I know inside that everything I do is wrong...
I'm not good enough to be that strong..
and I can't find anyplace where I really belong..
Maybe I should have just given up all along.

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 4:33 PM

Hype~ Tegan and Sara

one time in your life
you've got the route in hand but the map is stuck
they said it's
not your fault the tires are tired the camera moves
& your driver's been pulled
& i, i have always felt this
& i, i could never hear it
so i turned it up and turned it on
& turned it down
always the volume always the words
review the press & tell it like it is
your life is hype, your love is hype
& i will clench my own fist
& i will always wait
there's more there's more than blood that beats
through my heart
my hands my feet stuck between my tongue
& my teeth
we don't know so we wait for tomorrow
we don't know so we wait for tomorrow
we don't know so we only go forward
two times in your life you will trace the edge
sink your toes in
review my press & tell it like it is
my life is hype my love is hype
& i, i will clench my own fist
& i, i will always wait
i'd wait up all night for you

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 12:04 AM

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

erm.... Ever just sit there and out of no where start panicking about simple things? I mean, maybe not necessarily SIMPLE things.. but things you already know the answers to.. Like your sitting there and all of a sudden you just start telling yourself everything your doing is wrong, and second guessing all the decisions you've been making in your life?... Yeah.

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:41 PM

Monday, August 04, 2003

Oh, its so fucking hot lately.. You go outside, and you can just "swim in the air" ;)

lemme see, lately i've been cleaning a hell of alot... >.< Everything is changing around this house.. but I guess thats the price to pay for it to be fixed up.. but is there really a need to throw away perfectly good things? :( LIKE ANTIQUE PLATES?! !@#@!$#@^%$@#% *ehm ehm*...

I swear, people in s-ve aren't exposed enough to anything more than our hickish-slutty-rednecked-small town-small minded people... I walk into the Big M today with Randy, and people like stare at us... They gave me weird looks, and I swear the other day when we were walking through the mall someone said "thats just not right" ... -_- I hate racism so much.. But some people in this town make the shelterd-ness kind-of funny.. Like this one old lady, approached randy and I at the park.. and started talking about Tobacco, and how the government is screwing us all...and how back in the day, down south..at tobacco plantations the blacks and whites actually got along.. And now the government is just screwing bot races .. and then she actually asked randy... rofl.. "Your black, right?" NOOO! he just LOOKS like it.. don't let that deep-dark tan fool you for a black man ;) She stood there for like 15 to 20 minutes just talking about how she's been smoking since she was 16, and she's not 70 something, and she's never gotten cancer...She also said she should just start smoking weed because the fine for smoking weed is less than smoking a ciggarette indoors now.
But uh, anyways... people need to stop STARING... God, I know we're from spencer-van etten.. BUT PEOPLE... Do you have to ACT Like it?

Tomorrow Ima go with Sean and Ashley to take Randy back to Edinboro.. yay for me.. LoL ..Im gonna miss him :(

On a different subject.. .VOLLEYBALL IS STARTING! =-o.. well... Kind-of.. "conditioning" started today... Meaning we run.. we run ALOT..and then our first day of practice is on the 18th.. Volleyball is the shiznit... I just hope my eyebrow hole doesn't close up when I have to take it out for games... I need to call stiehls and ask them about it... I read somewhere that Other body peircings aren't the same as your ears... You can take a peircing out, and within 5 minutes the hole can get smaller... >.< Shanna said her naval closed up in one day... thats such a waste >.< I love me peircing.. I love PEIRCINGS.... And i'll be damned if I let my baby close up..

okay..more some other time...

HASTA LA BYE BYE.. ;)

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 9:44 PM

Sunday, August 03, 2003

We turned our house upside down today, like litterally... I woke up this morning to glass breaking, and thumps and thuds, and crashes... Stuff was flying out windows and onto our yard, and into the dumpster... Now theres like 3 rooms I walk into, that I can actually hear an echo in... Our house has always been cluttered, and PACKED, and STupid.. But now there is ECHOness... =-o

My melsies is back :) I missed her tons...and Im happy that she's back, cuz she's MY mel-o-pork, NO ONE ELSES...so.... HA!

And... I'm so HaPpY :) I have A special Special someone to thank for that... It's so amazing how close and wonderful I can feel with someone after such a short period of time. Its so great when someone really does accept you for you... It must mean they really ARE special ;) The past weeks have been good for me... :) I hope they stay that way...

More later I guess... Damn bugs biting me to SHREDS *SQUEALS* >.<

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 1:45 AM