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Saturday, April 12, 2003

tonight is a bad night...today has been a bad day...Everything..is..bad

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 1:20 AM

Friday, April 11, 2003

Yeah im home right now....The nurse told me I should go home, I was only in school for like 1st and 1/2 of 2nd period..This is mainly for MELODY and THOSE at school who get PISSED at me for not being there....so im letting YALL KNOW, im HERE not THERE, and Im gonna go to SLEEP now because my HEAD HURTS!!!!!!!! >_<

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 10:28 AM

well...wooo....I went to the doctors and he's all "you need to give it more time.." and blah blah...Then, i was gettin so fucking frustrated I almost started crying and he's like "well what do you want us to do? theres only so much we CAN do for you..you just need to give it MORE TIME" Jesus fucking christ, how much more time do I need to give my damn ears to 'heal'? another year? that would make it 6 years...I don't know..with both of the ENT doctor's i've had for the past 5 years, i havn't really liked either of them..it's like they're always in a rush for everything, and they ignore what i'm trying to tell them....@!#!$%@@$^ yeah but I guess it's life..
I bought new shoes today..that was about all the excitment I had...

Im very very very bored with my life....im considering getting a job sooner then I planned..i can't stand sitting here at home doing nothing... i zone out and I'm starting to freak MYSELF out because of it...And being alone ALL the TIME is just depressing as fuck...And well...Im kinda..eh towards rachel right now..I don't know why.. :/ I just feel like when she's with katie, they totally ignore me, like in global..when its partners, they always pair with each other now.. I'm stuck with rich >_< I guess.. I don't know.. Rachel probably feels the same about me and mel..but things change, people change...and I have gotten alot closer to mel the past few months, and alot more distant with rachel.. :/
I'm really scared lately about what im gonna do when Mel leaves.. I make her sound like my saint or something.. but seriously right now, she is all I have.. she is my best friend right...Im really sick of avoiding calling her my best friend to spare the feelings of other people...Lets not STATE the OBVIOUS here.. >_< THINGS CHANGE, Friendships anymore are like yo-yo's..Close, far, close, far....I have BEST FRIEND(S) but she has just been closer to me then everyone else lately, and I always have fun and laugh when im with her...She's turned into..I don't know..i feel like she's another half of me...Krispi and mels...

PORKsters for LIFE

Pork armsssss...

DAMMIT what am I going to do with her gone? I mean, I think life sucks NOW...And thats its so boring now....What am I going to do when the only person that I really really laugh with and who im WITH like all the time, is gone?

Thus being another reason I need a job..To keep myself busy, and to give me more money....

(note to *hottcakes*-girl u know I love you...And no one could replace you..so don't take anything I say to heart..you'll always be a best friend too, and I think you realize everything i'm saying...and you know that i'd be JUST as upset if you ever left me as well...don't ever think I don't value you just as much as anyone else I consider as a friend...)

yeah...okay anyways.....other shit thats going on..im pissed that the stupid grave stone guy hasnt gotten my brother's grave stone done yet...I mean, its been over a year...and he gets paid good fucking money....@!#!%!%#@!^ You take orders, you do them, you do them right...it can't just be a "stone-carving" hobby dammit, its your JOB!... yeah okay..so i've been thinking about my bro alot lately....I miss him..and thats all I can really say about that right now...

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 12:19 AM

Thursday, April 10, 2003

yeah okay im at school right now and its...boring..Although we did get out of band today because its big-bad solo day and soloists need to work on their solo's..Im so scared of being caught on here..Somehow they know that we've been posting stuff into our blogs and blah blah...I have a docs appointment, so i get to leave school early-ish..Like around 2:15..W00t.. Although, its for my ears, and im kind-of scared that im going to have to get the same surgery done again in my right ear that i just got done like 3 weeks ago :( :( NOOO!! god dammit..Im so fucking frustrated with my ears that it isnt even funny! ergh!!! Im so sick of it!! I just want them to be normal..no more ear plugs, no more pain, no more NOT BEING ABLE TO HEAR ANYTHING.. I want normal ears for a change, not the pathetic excuses for ears that I have right now.....
Shiznit, I really need to get my ass moving for this marking period..Its almost over..Friday, thats it..the grades that i have are going to stay that way...And right now, "that way" is not a good way...Ugh...
Oh joy oh joy..Last night I went to waverly with mel and my dad because my dad had to get a cavity drilled thingy mabobber, so mel and I walked around the lil ole' town of Waverly for like I dont know 1/2 an hour...But before that we went to Kyle's to get my money, and to give him DARRINS hat.. I wanted to like piss in it first let it dry, THEN give it to him.. but eh, I guess I've got more decency in me than that....*sigh* and then kyle wouldnt let melody and I come over, yet DARRIN did.. -_- Im holding alot of resentment against.. *cough* people right now.... I feel betrayed.. *sigh*.. But maybe I'm just being immature....Okay anyways, after waverly, we drove to Elmira, and I got my 'hairs' (melody word) cut..And we walked around the mall...Eh, it would've been more fun if we had more people to mess with...But whatever....We ended up getting home kind-of late because my dad's girlfriend's brother in law had a really bad heart attack.. he's okay though...He got out of emergancy surgery, and yeah......

wooooo..... School sucks dammit...I could be doing something more productive with my time right now, but im not.. :P and im bored...Im gonna go hang out with mel...I'll write more later..
adios..

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 1:07 PM

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

"Pretty" by Kidney Theives

I'm pretty, what do I deserve
I feel pretty, until I walk out the door
I wonder when pretty's gonna bleed
My monster has all the time he needs

So I came home to feel ugly again
Feels better alone, pretty ugly again
If you come back around I may not let you in
Cause I don't understand what this pretty is.

You're so pretty, could I get the nerve
You said, "I love you, pretty"
What do I deserve
I wonder if pretty's gonna waste
My monster has all the time in the day

So I came home to feel ugly again
Feels better alone, pretty ugly again
If you come back around I may not let you in
Cause I don't understand what this pretty is.

I wonder what pretty has to say
I want to feel pretty every day
I wonder what it's like to be pretty.

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 9:57 PM

Monday, April 07, 2003

Wow tonight is really ARGH...!@#%$#@ Im really just GRRR.. That's the only way I can explain it.. I need more of a life.. like a job or something... I guess when SUMMER comes (IF IT EVER DOES..) I'll get my license and a job.. *sigh* growing up is tough shit..Remember when you were little and you never cared about money,clothes,make-up, guys, school, or anything? it was just your urge to have fun and be happy all the time.. I want to be like that againnnnn!!!! I mean, I guess for someone my age, and who lives in s-ve I have a 'life' even if it isnt worth anything, it's still a very boring..very plain...very...depressing life... But I mean, people here in s-ve when they're 16 are either hooked on their boy friends and sports, WEED and SEX, or they do nothing....Hanging out with friends every now and then, but its like we lose more friends all the time then we ever gain.. I have good, honest, loyal friends...But dammit..THEY ALL LEAVE ME :( MEL DONT LEAVE ME!!!! :(:(:(!!!!! and for everyone else around here, it's like a constant ear to the grind thing, get too close, and your ear comes off....people are so..dishonest..DAH..what the fuck am i talking about? i don't even know.... I guess whats on my mind is...I need to do something more productive with my nights then this.. :P

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 9:34 PM

Heres a lil something I just wrote For no particular reason.. I feel really full of angst tonight.. *shrug*

"See Me How You Want"

You all say you care--
But you really don't know the first thing about me--
You say im this, and you say im THAT..
But if you only knew the truth behind my tired image..
you wouldn't say those things anymore.
Completely alone I am-
And I always will be--
Because no one will ever understand deeper then they can see.
I started out like an old peice of paper,
And you began to cut and glue me together--
Severely recklessly your scissors cut inside the lines,
disfigured image derived from your carelessness,
And i remain to fit the mold that you've left unfinished.
Go ahead and try,
Believe what I tell you--
Judge me with your human nature.
Smack a label on my temporary disposition.
Make me who you want me to be--
It doesn't matter any more,
You'll always see me differently.
Why get angry at the way I view myself?
The truth is, I know me best.
See me how you want--
Your eyes are glass marbles upon my faltered exterior.
It's what's beyond the eyes that burn right through me.
Scared to trust,
Even more terrified to love.
Never being who I really want to be--
Too many circumstances cut in the way,
And i'm left to be..
Everything I don't want..
I'm left to be me.

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 8:40 PM

"lets face it" by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

It's so hard to face
That in this day and age
Somebody's race
Could trigger somebody's rage
And somebody's preference
Can drive some total stranger
to make somebody, somehow
feel the wrath of their anger
Why were we put here?
What for? we're unsure
We sure weren't put here to hate
Be racist, be sexist
Be bigots, be sure
We won't stand for your hate
Why so cut and dry
A simple concept missed
Give tolerance a try
This confusion still exists ignorant mongers
No area's gray
Couldn't be any wronger in this age and day
Why were we put here?
What for? we're unsure
We sure weren't put here to hate
Be racist, be sexist
Be bigots, be sure
We won't stand for your hate
Now how far have we come?
How come there still are come
Who won't let come
March to the beat of a different drum
To face it, it's so hard
you must be on your guard
It's not okay
And you're not free to be a different way
Let's try to erase it, it's time that we face it
If we don't, then who will? shame on us
Let's try to erase it, it's time that we face it
Let's face it, the time is upon us

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 7:21 PM

Sunday, April 06, 2003

okay..I've been lazy and havnt written in here all weekend..so yesh....I went to the Golden Ash Awards (a spoof awards show through reality check..dont ask..) on saturday night..they were pretty cool...we saw some really cool bands, and saw ERIC reece jones from Road Rules.. *he btw is REALLY RREALLY hott* Me and mel sat behind some funky hippy-ithaca-lesbian chicks.. they were very ithaca-ish...and i dunno..it was just cool.. I love being really perverted, loud and OBNOCTIOUS with melody.. I love annoying people, and I dont know..its just so damn fun to be able to act dumb and laugh my ass off once in a while...I have so much fun with mel..We're such nerds...it's great...She can always make me laugh...
Hmm okay so then uhh...Today I woke up at like 2 and I didnt do anyhting...I SAID I WAS GONNA CLEAN.. but my laziness tagged itself to my back, and told me not to....:-/ But I did go to the new wally world in Watkins Glenn, and I bought stuff that i've needed for like ever....Hey I just realized we got donuts..Like REAL donuts....*drool*.. yeah I have the WORST diet ever..but where I was I?..
ahhh I wasn't really anywhere....
:/ My ears are really fucked today.. I mean they've been fucked since the surgery, but I woke up this morning, and out of my right ear, I can hardly hear anything...It's like I have uneven speakers or somehting...Everything is off sounded...UGH!H!@!$#@% IM GETTIN SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED!!! we've called the stupid doctor, but he can't fit me in any sooner then the 10th..so he just gave me some anti-biotics until then.. -_- IN THE MEANTIME, I have to sit here while my ear pops, and I can hardly hear.. OH JOY!

tonight im kind of tired, and confused....I don't know what I want from anyone anymore... I'll want one thing, but then because of all the things I dont want, or that I have to be careful of, I can't have the one thing I want.. IF THAT MADE ANY SENSE..... o_O
I basically am just really confused right now about everything...Life in general... I've been having alot of like old things come up lately that have been bothering me..and How I feel towards certain things, is REALLY messed up.. Like i've become more insecure with myself then I have been lately... I can't explain it..I guess the word is... i'm more scared of life more lately then I've ever been... Theres some people that make me want to become so much better...They make me want to really live life fully...And then theres those other people that just make me feel like shit, and make me feel like I'll never be anything more then just...this.. :-/
I long to be someone I'm not....That reminds me of a dream I had last night :-/ I had a dream I was on elimidate.. o_O and I was up against this model chick..she was gorgeous and had alot of freaky-peircings...AND she was more interested in me after a while then the guy.. o_O i wanted to go ancient chinese on her hiney.. but yeah.. the guy was my friend Andy...it was like I KNEW it was him, but it didnt look like him..And he had like 2 kids.. o_O his wife died in a car accident...(yeah i dont know)...okay, as for me.. I was tall, thin, and blonde...I was one of those blonde-bubble gum-smart girls... o_O I didnt look like me at all.. it was one of those perspective dreams..where Your watching yourself and everyone...Sometimes you'd be in the person, other time's you'd be watching...But I knew that I wasnt suppose to look like that, and I didn't say anything...I wasn't me..and I liked it.. :-/

okay..yeah

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:36 PM