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Saturday, March 08, 2003

Yesterday I couldnt go to school cuz our hot water was frozen, and I wasnt going to school w/o taking a shower.. So.. I mean, to like alot of people that sounds stupid.. But I don't like going through a day feeling all dirty.. .so :-P
Anywho..Last night me and mel went to the mall and had a fuckin blast.. it was so funny!!! we saw Jory..and uh..who be that other guy.....Steve! I think there...And we freaked em out so bad! XD mwahahah yeah it was so kick ass..We saw kellee's boi scott there too...Then we went back to melsodies, and mel and I just got online, then talked a lil..then went to sleeeeeeep....But mel and I havn't hung out like that in a while...so its all good....I still hope she doesnt move! :( see, that would REALLY suck..
Today I think im just gonna chill, and then I might go to the movies or sumptin with chris when his shift gets done with @ work...Tomorrow I have to go to my moms and help make poster boards cuz a close friend of the family died...:-/ But uh yeah..Not much goin on..o_O OOH! kelley comes home tomorrow!! :D for a WEEK!! w00t! I'm psyched!! I guess I should start cleaning now.. :-P Toodles

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 2:42 PM

Thursday, March 06, 2003

Well here i am at school again..ONCE AGAIN.. and Im just sitting here laughing with rachel at penis stuff..

LOOK WHAT WE JUST READ! =-o

"If your partner's penis is too small, well, you could have trouble getting aroused -- especially if his member is so minuscule that you have trouble distinguishing it from, say, a probing finger."

Well its lunch, and im kinda bored..So im just gonna read stuff about "probing fingers, and Garlic scented vaginas"

ciao

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:30 AM

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

So its come to my attention that a few of you who read this, Dont like what you see....Well, Its my blogger, NOT YOURS.. If you don't like it, then dont fucking read it!! I don't try to bring everyone down with me, and How I view the world is how I View the world... You can look at your own way.. I have no control over ANYBODY ELSE but myself... You make your own decisions, I can't sway you at all by telling the world how much I think it sucks.. Get over it... I'm glad that you've made me center of your world by discussing me.... But if u dont like what u see, dont fucking read...

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:41 AM

oh im like really paranoid this morning of being caught on here... :-/ ugh..This is a really bad morning... Horrible.. I first went to bed @ 2:00, but that didnt last long considering a skunk decided to come out and play right near our house....It was like the damn thing was IN our house... I guess it went through our heating system and came out the registers.. It was so bad that my eyes were watering, I was coughing, and I felt sick...DAmn..So I didnt fall asleep until 3:30-4:00..and our house STILL wreaks of it.. Thats all I can smell today..Even though im at school, I think it like bled through my clothes or something..UGHH! and I didnt get up until 7:15.. >.< I hate running late in the AM, it throws my entire damn day off, and puts me in a BAD mood.. I started crying this morning cuz I couldnt find anything, I was tired, and frustrated..DAMN it..FRUSTRATED....ugh...Still am..but maybe the day will get better.. I guess you never know....I'll write more later...ta ta

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 9:15 AM

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

I dont know what to do anymore.. :( all I can say anymore is..DAMMIT... DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!!!!

"Whatever I see....Whatever I hear...Whatever I do...Oh, baby HAS GOT ME THINKIN OF YOU!
Whenever you speak..Whenever you move..Whenever you breath..Baby, Let me touch you..."

Ah..okay... im thinkin about whether or not im gonna go to my moms this weekend.. I mean, I feel bad not going, cuz then my moms all "grrr"...But if I go up there, I don't do ANYTHING put be online and watch tv...It's not like its some great mother-daughter bonding time or anything...So whats the POINT? I dont know...I feel really really..hopeless right now, and I have no motivation for anything.. I'm like a big lazy blob..

"..you're still perfect without him....you are you. i love you.
don't let him be the downfall of you...you're worth more than any guy...so don't think this is the end. it's not. you're still breathing...and even though he was/is really important to you...he has no control over you. you control your life. you control yourself.
i love you..."~ Kelley
She's really right..And I'm realizing just how important my friends REALLY are to me..w/o them I would have lost my mind by now...I really would have...They are there first, and last...Whenever there is a crisis, or guy problem..It's them that I have to look to.. and I feel so bad for ever ruining any relationships I had with friends during the past year.. I've been really selfish, and stupid... But the advice kelley said, im really beginning to realize how true it is... DONT EVER LIVE FOR ANYONE ELSE OTHER THAN YOURSELF..ALWAYS VALUE YOURSELF, NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Because once the person you wove your life around leaves you, or things just dont quite work out.. You have nothing.. I am never going to let that happen to me again..EVER.....I guess shit just takes time.. It takes time to heal after you've been hurt so bad.. But I guess people always make it through..They say the first fall is always the hardest, maybe thats true for heart break too?... I feel so corny right now, but whatever..this happens to be MY blog..and I guess I'll talk about what I want to even if it is pathetic, and I sound dumb...

Dah, I LOVE my friends!!...Thanks you guys...

***************************************************************************************
J-Lo...

Baby come and talk to me..Together we can work this out...We got a love that we're talking about...The way you looked @ me..tells me your sorry..you walked by me, whispering you love me..when i try to hold u tight, u pulled away, but u wanted me to stay, instead u ran away..baby talk to me, lets stop playin games, dont turn away from me, just look me straight in the eyes dont try to sweet talk me, with those nasty words u say..BABY JUST BE REAL AND TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL..
The way you check me, u know that wasnt right..U tried to fix it, but all we did was fight..cuz I gave u everything I HAD TO GIVE..If you know its worth the fight, we gotta compromise..Baby talk to me, And tell me whats wrong.. come sit down next to me, and let me feel the vibe your own, come lay your head on me and everything will be allright..But we must communicate, tomorrow we could be too late... Cuz I love you boy, and I need you here..Together we can make this thing work out..Just think about what we would miss..Makes me want to lose my mind..

"Thats not me" -J-Lo-

I tried so long to just complete
Can't take no more
Losin' sight of me
I'm lettin' you know this can't go on this one way street
I'm walkin' alone
This time I'm breakin' free
I'm goin' to find me

I can't sit and be passive
Won't tolerate no more
That's it
I tried so hard to be
What you wanted me to be
If it can't be 50/50
Then know that it don't fit me
I can't give you all that's in me
'Cause baby that's not me

Don't want you to think that I'm selfish
I'm just sick of your one track mess of you can't meet me
Halfway I think it's time that you be on your way
I love you but I can't baby
If it's yo mama you want
You know just what to do
I looked in the mirror
Everyday I saw myself

Fading away
You tryin' to mold be into her
I loved you so
I put you first but I can't live my life this way

I can't sit and be passive
Won't tolerate no more
That's it
I tried so hard to be
What you wanted me to be
If it can't be 50/50
Then know that it don't fit me
I can't give you all that's in me
'Cause baby that's not me

I was so lost in love before I couldn't see the light
But now I'm strong enough to leave you now
So you better treat me right
Don't wanna throw it all away
So baby
Here's your last chance
Don't wanna fight with you
But I need more of you
Give me all
********************************************************

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 10:34 PM

Monday, March 03, 2003

okay this stupid blogger, is being just that.. STUPID >.<.. But ugh, tonight is a stupid night... And im tired... Im so like entirely sick of everything..and I might stop writting in here, or I wont make it public blog, just so that darrin cant read up on me.. I don't want him to know anything about me anymore...I don't want him to know how bad, or good im doing.. I don't want him thinking im sittin here dying over him, or Vise versa.. I just want to move on.. I know its gonna be hard.....Like the only thing I love, is the one thing causing me the most pain.....and I hate it.. I hate the fact that even though he seems to find new ways EVERY FUCKING DAY to break my heart EVEN MORE, that I still love him, and I still have the urge to do anything for him...Ugh.. Why do I have to care so fucking much?? Im like physically sick over this whole situation.. I cant eat, or sleep, or concentrate..And i constantly feel nausious..damn, im gettinso sos oosososos tired of it....I just wish i could stop everything, push the rewind button and change a few things...I don't want to lose darrin, but if thats what its gonna take in order for me to be okay, then fine...I think he plans out things to get to me..Like saying things to people, and doing things....he's so immature.....Marjorie says he doesnt care about me anymore, and i have to move on..and well i guess she's right..He obviously doesnt care anymore...Im not gonna talk to him online for a while...I dont want to discuss our relationship online anylonger..I guess if he REALLY wants to talk to me bad enough, he's gonna hafta "pick up his balls and call me himself..." right mel? I mean..I've gone from sad, to pissed, to even more pissed, to pissed and sad.. and im so entirely sick of it..Im going to try my hardest to only not talk about him to people.. like this, or poems...Its bad enough he WONT GET OUT OF MY HEAD as it is.....I just I just dont understand how someone can hurt someone, and not give a damn...Maybe he doesnt realize just how much he has hurt me, because i think if he had realized it, he wouldnt CONTINUE TO FUCKING HURT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay I guess that will be the last entry about him for a while....im going to try avoid bringing him up in anything.....

"..Its hard to believe love ever felt so good, when the pain is triple the emotion..."

Newho...I cant wait for rachel to come home..THERE IS NO ONE @ SCHOOL.. :( its so...Boring and friendless....I hope mel goes tomorrow..I hope her side feels better :( poor mels......

Ahh heres some funniness from norm when i was feelin a lil down:

Anglos Rune: Turn that frown upside down
Anglos Rune: and shake it all around
Anglos Rune: get up and then get down
Anglos Rune: don't you ever frown

hmm.. righto..I dont know what to discuss..Im not really thinking about anything different then normal...so uhh..here's some songs of the night..::::

Emotion by DC3:
"its over and done, but the heart ache lives on..inside.. and who is the one your clinging to, instead of me tongight? and where are you now? Now that I need you? Tears on my pillow..Wherever u go..I'll cry me a river, that leads to your ocean, you'll never see me fall apart...In the words of a broken heart, its just emotions taking me over, caught up in sorrow, lost in the song..But if you dont come back, come home to me darling.. don't u know theres nobody left in this world to hold me tight, dont u know theres nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?"

Just some mix N match from michelle Branch-

"Its been a long long time since i looked into the mirror, i guess that i was blind, now my reflections getting clear..Now that your gone things will never be the same again...Theres not a minute that goes by every hour of every day, your such a part of me..But I just pulled away, well im not the same girl you used to know..I wish I had said the words I never showed.. I knew u had to go away, I died just a little and i feel it now your the one I need..I believe that I would Cry just a little just to have you back now, here with me..you know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart, and I wanted so badly, just to be a part of something strong and true, but I was scared and left it all behind..."

"of all the things I believed in..I just wanted to get it over with..tears form behind my eyes, but I do not cry...Counting the days that pass me by...I've been searching deep down in my soul..Words that im hearing are starting to get OLD..Feels like im starting all over again..And I said Good-bye to you, Good-bye to everything that I knew..You were the one I Loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to...I used to get lost in your eyes..and it seems that I cant live a day without you..closing my eyes, and you chase my thoughts away..to a place where i am blinded by the light..but its not right...
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time...I want yours and I...Want whats mine.. I WANT YOU BUT IM NOT GIVING IN THIS TIME!! Goodbye to you..Goodbye to everything that I knew..You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to...And when the stars will fall..I will lie awake..Your my shooting star..."

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:19 PM

OoOo Its a lazy band day, so everyone got out...And here i am up here in the CLC..oh joyous of joys..Im in a really weird mood today....Damnit...Im scared to death of driving..I really am :( and im so sick of guys.... UGH no more relationships for me..If I can help it... NO MORE... >.< yaddi yaddi yadah...Blah blah blah blah blah.. im extremely bored right now and just like in a bad mood today..I really am.......... so many questions left un answered

"Out Of My Head" by fast ball... THIS DAMN SONG HAS BEEN STUCK IN MY HEAD ALL MORNING AND NOW YOUR GONNA READ IT AND GET IT STUCK IN URS TOO! :-P

Sometimes I feel
Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then it's time you spoke up too

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 1:11 PM

Sunday, March 02, 2003

Okay my night did suck..well my DAY did suck until Chris offered to take me to ithaca and go to taco bell!! :D I was totally bummed out, as normal.. and Chris TOTALLY cheered me up!! He's one of the coolest guys ever!! and he's so easy to talk to!! I fee comfortable telling him anything..I could go on talkin to him forever and ever and just not shut up....He actually pulled over and was gonna make me drive..I was like "NO NO NO! I CANT!!" I dont know why, but im scared to death of driving.. I've never driven a car before...and his is huge....okay...Nuf bout my buddy chris..
Darrin -_- is a total asshole..And I never want to be with him ever again....He's hurt me beyond words.. and im sick of it...He can go fuck himself, that's all I have to say....
MELODY MIGHT HAVE TO MOVE.. LIKE HER MOM IS LOOKIN @ SCHOOLS AND HOUSES AND EVERYTHING!! :(:(:(:( i REALLY dont want her to move....i really really dont :( I want to crrrryyyyyyyy...
I can't wait for rachel to get back...only 4 more days...I need her right now....And Jordan left for europe today..stupid smart person :-P I hope she has fun in ITALY,LONDON, and PARIIISSS!! That's like...yeah... huge huge cities, pretty EUROPEAN CITIES!!! I want to goooooooo....Ah okay.. me gonna rap this up... and go to bed soon.. nightz ;-)

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:42 PM

ahhh...scalp...burns.....Chemicals..seeping..into...BRAIIIINNNN..... ehhh...lol.. well im finally redying my hair...roots gross me out :P.. Today i've had the annoying urge to change everything...I mean I've been rearranging everything...My room, my school work, my fonts and colors...and like next month im gonna chop my hair off, and the month aftter that strip it and dye it a lighter color..probably a redish color....I don't know..I feel like if I change...Then things around me will change too..and maybe I wont be so miserable :P.. I mean I know I can change the way I think, and how I view things...Then I'll be able to CHANGE the way I feel....I want so bad to be a different person.. a prettier, happier, better..Krispi...*sigh*... I want a new life.. But I guess I have to deal with the one I've been given.. :P

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 7:28 PM

Okay.. So I listened to my Lauryn Hill CD today for the first time..in a LONG time.. and i actually got to listening to the lyrics.. so here are some that i can relate to right now.....ever notice..love makes u able to relate to all poems and lyrics about it? GOOD OR BAD?!
***********************************************************************
See I don't need no alcohol
Your love makes me feel ten feet tall
Without it I'd go through withdrawal
'Cause nothing even matters at all

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all

These buildings could drift out to sea
Some natural catastrophe
Still there's no place I'd rather be
'Cause nothing even matters to me

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me

You're part of my identity
I sometimes have the tendency
To look at you religiously
'Cause nothing even matters to me
***************************************************************************
"Ex-Factor"

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me
**********************************************************************
If only things could be different..... :( I hate guys, and relationships...and "love"..yeah..WHATEVER THAT MEANS

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 3:27 AM