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Saturday, March 01, 2003

okay.. ive been meaning to write in here all day, but the TV kept sucking me in....im really inbelievably sad today...Like for more than just stupid "darrin" reasons.. Im sad about EVERYTHING.. I woke up sad.....ergh...Melody might move...I dont think it will be until summer, but still..SHE CANT MOVE... :( I dont want her to move..she's one of my best friends..probably my closest friend right now, and if she moves...who am i gonna have to talk about sex, guys, life, stupid parents, and just EVERYTHING with? :( I mean like..Mel is mel, and theres no one else like her...It seems like everyone I love is just leaving me lately.. :(
okay.. I had a dream this morning, right before I woke up...I was @ like...some store, like Kmart or Walmart or something.. and Darrin was there, as well as rachel..well I think it was rachel, or maybe jordan..I dont know, cant remember..anyways it was ONE of my friends...and for some reason.. Everyone was standing in a circle, like a bunch of people...and someone was talking in the center of the circle..And I walked over besides darrin, and I just layed my head on his shoulder, and he put his arm around me...then..well I cant remember everything dammit..But the circle broke apart..and it was just me and him..and we faced each other with our arms around each other, just staring at one another....But then his mom told him to go get something..she had a bunch of little kids around her, and a carriage with a baby..and he just let go and started running through the store...I chased after him, and I remember i just started to cry.. and he's like.. "I'll be back later".. and I just stopped right where I was....and watched him like run through the isles..
Im not exactly sure what this means..but i think the arm thing was him saying "hey i still care about you.."but then maybe since we didnt kiss.. and we just looked @ each other....I dont know...I think the mom thing, is me thinking that his mom has always been in the way- and jordan said something yesterday like "have u thought that he might have just broken up because of his mom?" ...she made him run away... cuz thats what he's doing..running away...but...I dont know.. i really miss him and everything.. but he's hurt me so much...And the more i seem to just harp on him, the more I get hurt.. not to mention i think he lied to me about wherever he was going to this weekend.. I think he was just going to his aunts house..if that... I hate it when people lie.. HATE IT..
So when I woke up, i was allready all sad cuz of the stupid dream...but my dad was cooking stuff...and I just...miss Jared so much today..I miss the way that my life used to be when i was younger... I miss fighting over the TV..And I miss the way that my dad used to be... He used to be alot...different...happier...ugh..I miss the arguing just generally....I really wish I had gotten to know what my brother thought about things before he died...Like deep things.. like what he thought about life after death..or about life in general..or about our "foster placement" when we were younger..he could remember more about that then I could, and lately questions have been coming up, that I would like to ask him...and now i'll never know the answers...It just hurts...im just totally generally sad today....I want to do something tonight so bad...ANYTHING..I want to get out...I wish kelley or amy was around.. and we could go to ithaca and just 'chill'...*sigh*..

okay last night..I went to the mall with Jordie and had a blast...seriously..it was great..we say "how to lose a guy in 10 days.."thats a good movie, but i bet me and jord woulda had more fun just walking around the mall BSing about everything, and picking on other people..I also spent like all of my money on one shirt..lol it was 21 dollars... Im like...so poor..I really need to get a job soon...:-/ I need to DRIVE soon...

Dammit im so sick of..life now...I wish I could just dream of a time when i was younger.. with my brother, and my dad...all of us doing somthing together... instead of dreaming about things that make me sad...Anymore the only things i worry about are School, HOW I LOOK, and GUYS...Thats it..when I was younger.. I didnt worry about like..ANYTHING..except how much i want that new barbie doll...Or how much I want to fly to outer space..HA that reminds me..Jared and I once started building a "space ship" out of wood and plastic in the back yard once.. LoL... thinking it might actually work.. I dont know I was like 7 or 8..And we had just watched a movie about some kids going to outerspace in an old carnival ride...I just remember believing so much that it might actually work...damn...When I was younger I could keep myself occupied forever just dreaming and imagining things.... why can't things be that easy anymore??...

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 6:52 PM

Thursday, February 27, 2003

wellllll so yeah, i went to the doctors and well LOOKY THERE..I have to get them out.. he's all "the longer you have them in, the more chance you have of never having the drainage hole we made close up normally.. meaning.. after they take the tubes out AGAIN...If I still get fluid behind my ear drum.. I'll have to get perminate tubes put in my ears..for the rest of my lfie... NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! do you KNOW HOW ANNOYING AND GRARARARARR that would be?? to have to wear ear plugs whenever I get wet for the REST of my life.. I havn't taken a shower, or gone swimming without ear plugs for like 5 frekaing years.... :( WHAT IF ITS LIKE THAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?!?!? ugh.. im not really looking forward to the surgery..The last time they got taken out, one ear bled all day, and it hurt :( but its not THAT bad...I dont have to go to school...weeeee!! And I get to go to la la land with lovely sleepy meds...w00t...

hmmm MANDY WROTE ME A LETTER TODAY! :D that really made me happy... I havn't seen her in like 3 years... or 4.. But her and I got along so well.... I want to see her some weekend... ima call her tomorrow me thinks, and ask her whats up.... It was snail mail.. and snail mail makes krispi feel SPECIAL all over ;-) w00t... I havnt even communicated with her for god... a few months.. maybe like I dont know how long....too long...She's doesnt use the computer much, therefore no email or IM..So we depend on mail...

Well...Today I wasnt feel too good.. Im still not... Im tryign really hard to keep myself occupied....Like homework and stuffs...SLEEP..hrmpph.. We took our PPSAT'S today.. and me and mel sat there laughing and snorting and being total nerds the whole time... I think we were pissin some people off.. IT WAS GREAT!! LoL mel and I cant be in a quite room together.. It just doesnt work well....but she's great...gotta love mels, always knows how to brighten a wee-krispi's a lil TOO BURNT of a krispi day right up...yeah and like THAT made sense...
Im kinda hyper right now... *Humms* Mountain dew, mountain dew... ah yes...MOUNTAIN DEW....Mwahhaha mountain dew..

Hey...heres a BIG great HUGE HARD question for everyone... o_O

HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BECOME FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE...OR TO STAY FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE IF YOU DONT EVEN TALK TO THEM!?!?!?! HUH HUH UHHUH?? WOOOOOOOULLLLLLD SOMEONE LIKE TO ANSWER THAT FOR ME?!

Toodly-toodles..... o_O

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 8:32 PM

well im at school again, doing absolutely nothing in this lovely lunch half hour.. I really dont feel good today...BUt eh, i guess thats life...:( Im really miserable as usual..and ugh I hate school so much...I have to take ppsat's today.... LoL... Oh well, I get out of band and 9th I think.....Blah well tomorrow I think im going to go to jordans...Cuz my normal plans of "See darrin" probably wont happen.. :( .. I have a doctors appointment today to "check" the tubes in my ears, and he said if they're still in there this time that he's gonna take them out AGAIN... This would be the 4th time I'd have stuff done to my ears...tubes in, tubes out, tubes back in, all since 1998...I havnt been able to take a shower, or go swimming in 4 years without wearing ear plugs...Eh...Whatever..My life COULD be worse.....I really hope I get to work things out with darrin, because I really don't want us to end up as bitter ex's...I don't even want to BE EX'S with him... He was a best friend, he still is..I Hope..And I dont want to lose that... :( I miss him enough as it is...I couldnt see myself being without him...Even if we are JUST friends..That is better than nothing...Even if it kills me...well im eally paranoid today of geting caught being on here.. so im gonna go...ta ta...

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:39 AM

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

okay... im really exhausted... I don't know why.. But I am... I even slept 3 hours today after school...Ugh, its probably from crying and being so stressed about everything...I feel so pathetic of the fact that i've been crying like so much every night lately... I havn't cried this much since my brother died... but..I guess thats life... Okay..So for everyone who's been reading my last blogs, and who I havn't talked to lately.. Your probably wondering.. "What the fuck happened?" right? well.. I don't really like to talk about people and THEM specifically, just out of respect for them.. But whatever.. Yeah, he broke up with me because he said we needed a "break"...And his main reason is that he wants me to be the way I used to be... The friend that I used to be before we started dating...Because what he NEEDS now is a FRIEND not a GIRLFRIEND....I really dont understand.. and It hurts alot... If he really does care about me, like he still says he does.. If he really DOES LOVE ME.. Wouldn't he have talked things out with me, and tried to work it out before he went all "We need a break, your not the person I want you to be right now?" I mean...I want to be real here...I really thought we'd last longer than just 3 months....I thought that I'd be able to see a break up coming, and it would be mutual...really...I don't think he's even taking me seriously.. My feelings, my emotions... It's like it's a big game to him... He wouldn't even talk to me on the phone tonight...Somehow he or someone "Accidently" hung up on me before he even said hello, and then he got online... I HATE THE INTERNET!!!!!! I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT PERSONAL SHIT ONLINE ANYMORE!!!! ITS SHIT!!!!!!!!!! The internet hides true feelings, it hides TRUE LIFE,AND I AM SO SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!! I really am..... I feel so stupid...Just because... Ugh... I just do...I shouldnt have given so much of myself to him...and then me being HOW I AM.. I WAS JUST ASKING FOR IT...and well..now im paying for it... It really does...hurt...and im so sick of just sittin here crying about it...Crying hurts really bad anymore, and it makes you feel absolutely alone with nothing more but a pillow to hear you out....I really wish Rachel were home...Or that I could TALK TO KELLEY!!! I NEED TO TALK TO KELLEY!!! this just sucks.... I don't want to trust anyone ever again.... What's the point when in the end, no matter what... You always end up gettin hurt??? Hurt really bad... Thats the only way I can explain it.. The feeling of your eyes watering all day, and that heavy feeling on your chest, and the same feeling in the back of your throat... all day long... Even my head pounded all day... and when It finally went away, I started talking to darrin, and started crying again....bringing back the ever so wonderful pounding of the head....I feel like no one understands..."What do u do when the only person who can make u stop crying...is the one causing all the pain??" seriously.. Darrin was and IS a best friend....He was MORE than a best friend...Someone I trusted fully...THE FIRST GUY I EVER REALLY LOVED, and someone I THOUGHT, no matter what...would love me...Sometimes he was THE ONLY one I could talk to... And knowing I have to stop talking to him now.. is like going cold turkey off from a drug....Its not good....Marjorie said I need to stop talking to him for a while..give him time to breath, give me a time to breath.. and I know she's right... Everytime I've talked to him so far... I just sit here and ball... And I just cant handle it anymore...it's only been like 3 days...but 3 days feels like 3 years...God.. No matter what I do... Everyone always turns their backs on me sooner or later... I guess thats just the type of person I am.. you can only handle so much of me before you cant take it anymore, and you want to get away....I was wondering how long it would take for him to wake up and realize i wasnt as good as he first thought...And well...I guess he has.... :( I hate me...I wish I was just totally different... Then maybe I wouldnt have this problem...A little prettier, more out going...less insecurities...smarter...A BETTER FRIEND....but im not any of those im just...me... I dont even give a fuck who reads this anymore... because this is me, these are my thoughts...You don't have to read them.. Think of me what you will....Im so sick of this shit... I hate the internet, and right about now...I wish the computer wasnt even in my house...Just to MAKE me do something more then this...I talked to darrin for hours every night...he was my escape from everything...Now I don't even know what to do with myself...iadnusadbusaguisaghgdiagidgay42ujeohjrehknhdjdbnu9agte9721t3971geofb0ewqgtr092rgieqfh9-2uy542hrw

This is the insanity of the world....

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:26 PM

ive changed my mind to...

"..What doesnt kill us, only makes us WISH WE WERE DEAD..."

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 1:30 PM

okay im @ school right now accompanied by jordan, katie, and shannon... me buddies....I dont feel good today, but I havn't cried since this morning.. so im a.o.k.. Its easier for me to avoid crying when im around people.. I hate people to see me cry... I really do... I really miss him :( and I feel so unwanted..and just so....i don't know.. Hurt.. It really is all my fault though... I wish i could go back and change everything.. I'd do anything for him, to make him happy :( I just wish it was ME that could MAKE him happy... And the words I love you are just depressing me beyond words right now, because he has still told me that he does love me.. And I feel like its a lie.. I feel like everything he's ever said to me that has even come close to caring has been a lie, but I know that it's not true.. I'm just pissed off, and hurt.. and I need time to cool off... Maybe things will get worked out after that...I think im going to go and work out tonight with marjorie, just to do something so my mind isnt constantly on the fact I feel like my entire heart, love, and hope was torn out of me.... :( *sigh* anyways...the period is almost over.... And school sucks..I hate it....but, then again, what don't I hate? Damn, Im bored.. g'day :( hope urs is better than mine...

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:39 AM

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

-_-.. well...okay... i am okay.. really..If I just keep telling myself that over and over again, maybe i wont cry so much..and maybe I WILL BE OKAY.. .but will I?.. ergh.. :( im so sad.. I really feel like a big pathetic baby who just got her dolly taken away....I've never cried during a break up, but this time its different..This time..i actually LOVED this guy.... this time, I REALLY BELIEVED HIM WHEN HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME....But I guess everything he said was a lie.. How can u STILL love someone, and Not WANT them?? How can u JUST Want their friendship?? im really confused..and miserable.. I don't even know what to do with myself.. I stayed home from school today and just layed in bed, falling in and out of sleep... I look really bad too.. It was easy to convince my dad i didn't feel good...I look like i've been run over by a truck 10 times...seriously..my skin is paler then ever, and i've got huge dark circles under my eyes.. whatever...I really really hate everything.. I havn't felt this bad in a while..and it's really pathetic I even let myself fall this deep for a guy.. ITS REALLY PATHETIC.. I should have learned by now.. God dammit! I am NEVER going to give my love to anyone else for A LONG TIME....Theyre all decietful..They all Lie...What do they want from me?? just a few "fun times?" ugh! Hey, i smell popcorn....
But anyways....:-/ I don't know what to do.. This is all my fault..Its my fault for letting him in, its my fault for being an insecure-whiney-bitch like 99.9% of the time.. ITS ALL MY FAULT.. If I was just a better person, he wouldn't have broken up with me.. If i was the person taht everyone wanted me to be, My life would be alot easier.. but im not that person.... Ugh where is Kelley and Rachel when I need them??? I really want to talk to rachel for some reason, but she has to be in illinios.. :( and my cell phone is @ my moms, with Kelley's number in it.... ugh, I have no one to talk to right now...But... "That which does not kill us, can only make us stronger.." I'll be..okay..

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 5:44 PM

Monday, February 24, 2003

I...Hate...Life... I HATE people...I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!! Can ANYTHING EVER GO RIGHT? ha, well thats easy and obvious...NO...Im so pissed...Im pissed @ darrin, and @ the entire world..and right now the only thing that will listen to me is this god damned blog.....Oh joy, im just SO LOVED.. and people, well..they lie..THEY LIE ALOT..and sometimes..its REALLY hard to be so honest..Im too honest... It may not seem like it, but I hardly EVER lie...I hate people who lie to me, and I just...its something that will make me totally despise u if you do it to me... yeah..so im about ready to cry right now.. and WHY? who knows, hell, WHO CARES...Why do I even bother anymore?

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 6:57 PM