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Saturday, February 15, 2003

Well my valentines day was good :).. Darrin came over and we hung out.. ;-) LoL I love him so much!! he got me some candy and a rose, a SWEET card, and lil bear that plays music...Hmmm But I don't want to depress the anti-vday people out there too much, so I wont RUB IT IN THEIR FACES.. ;-) lol...
Last night or this morning.. whichever..I remember one FREAKY Ass dream...I went to bed @ like 5:00 am, and I just got up @ like 2:30...And well the dream was me @ mcdonalds, and Carrot top was working there with Mr.Sherwood.....Carrot top kept kept ignoring me and being stupid, so I poured french fries, a big mack, and soda on him...he wasnt too happy about that..But I got pissed and went and sat down with my dad and jared, and there were tons of people from our school there...Mostly preps..Then all of a sudden, 3 little midget people got up on the counter where u order the food and started to strip-tease dance...It was nutz...Thats about all I remember..But thats like the funniest dream I've had in a while....I think alot of that has to do with the movie I watched last night..10 things I hate about you..But I dont know....o_O my mind is messed up ;-)..
Hmm today what are Kristi's plans? I do not know....There is this Clique Clash-Casual dance @ like 8:00-11.. But if Darrin doesnt come, I doubt I'll go either...Whats the point? Sure, to hang out with my friends and all..but nah...I think I feel like being a bum today anyways....Hmm more later when I actually have something remotely interesting to talk about..PeACe

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 2:53 PM

Thursday, February 13, 2003

Wow..I'm suddenly really anxious..>GRR< I have no clue why..Thank god today is THURSDAY, and its a 4 day weekend ahead of me...as everyone knows, i cant stand school....I have this thing...Where I HAVE to write SOMETHING at least once a day..I have to express myself through writtings..Like it's documentation or something...I guess...when I DO die..I don't want to be misunderstood..It is honestly one of my biggest fears....I don't want people to change me to the way THEY SAW me, or to the way THEY WANTED me to be...and etc..People did that with my brother..And I would just stand by and listen to them say things about him, when in reality they had no clue...And I just don't want that...What do we have after we die?...How did we REALLY make an impact on the world...? It doesn't matter because 50 years from the time we die, people we knew would be dead as well, and our memories would only live on if we were famous, or through our families passing our memories down generation to the next...Then there is also the random person walking by your gravestone and noticing it..But really...:( its sad... I miss my brother so much right now..I want to cry.. I hardly get time to think about him anymore..And I don't really WANT to think about him because it hurts me, and I get so confused thinking about it....But I was reading krista's blog and it just hit something in me..."""The only way to successfully forget this place once and for all is to take your own life. They seem to be thankful that you did, for in result, they bury you, give you flowers, cut your grass, visit you, they even decorate your tomb stone. They mark your death on the calendar and prefrom strange traditions in your memory. You are in everyones AIM profile and no one overlooks the fact that you arent in school today...""" Ugh.. it's so true... At my brother's wake and funeral I stood back and watched people who hardly even acknoladged his existance breakdown and cry...Some acted like they were so tight with him they were like family...They don't think I knew, but people told me...They would cry so hard behind my back saying how much they miss him, and how close they were to him, and how he was such a wonderful person..JUST to get attention..To gain from someone else's loss...THEY HAVE NO CLUE...NO FUCKING CLUE...I think if there is anything in this world to NOT joke about, it would be death...It's not funny @ all, it's horrible, sad and....BAD..I don't know how to express it....It's like people remember and feel bad for only so long...It was like 2 months after that They would expect me to just be over it, and moved on with my life.. Well its been over a year and im still not over it..I havn't moved on..Sure, I don't dwell on it 24/7...Because it hurts too much to think about him..The first week after he died...I was okay..It was like the shock time, where I didn't think it could be true..Then after the funeral,when I actually saw him laying there stiff and cold in a coffin...thats when the pain kicked in...Now I have these stupid moments where I just miss him like nutz..I just start crying for no reason...When I hear someone say how much they hate their brother and sister, and how much they bug them..I think to myself "yeah well be happy you have one to fight with, because once they're gone your gonna miss all the bullshit they gave you.." And its TRUE...I regret like every way I acted towards my brother...I was beyong bitchy to him...The night before he died we even got in a HUGE fight and he wouldn't talk to me...I don't know...its a bunch of bullshit..I don't know...Death hurts...I hated how some people would make a mockery of someone dying so that THEY could get attention..It hurt..I didn't care about attention...I was too caught up in HIM..The Why's and Where's...The pain....People think that the way I am now, the problems I have now...My goth tendencies...are all caused from his death.. NOT TRUE...It's just after he died, I couldn't deal with my emotions at all..They were out of control.... I dont know why Im thinking about this right now..But I want to..I try not to get TOO personal in this stupid blog, but I don't really care who reads it anymore...People who matter dont care, and people who care dont matter....It's not like I know who reads it anyways.. I just like to have my thoughts on documentation...Eh...I don't know...People's minds are capable of alot more then we think...Our real strength is mental strength, not physical...It's amazing..truelly amazing..The feelings and emotions we go through that are so strong....People are so complex...not even the scientific reasons make sense.. okay im done rambling for now..caio :P

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 5:28 PM

Okay...So I havn't written in here in a while, But its because ive been really tired and lazy...Well Yesterday..I went to melody's after school and we just messed with people online and we ate pizza and we were our normal nutty selfs.. :D w00t...Then I went home and I actually went to bed at like 6:00...i woke up at like 8 something, and asked my dad to go to the store to get me food..But I guess I was out of it because I dont remember asking him that...Anyways, I went back to bed before he even came back from the store and I didnt wake back up until 4:30 this morning...eh, but even then I talked to my dad for a bit before he went to work @ like 4:45, and then went BACK to bed @ 5 and didnt get up until 6..Yey...Even after all that goddamn sleep I'm still tired as hell.. >.< WTF? Yeah anyways....It's 9th period right now and I really want to go home...Im so sick of school....It's all our puney lil teenage lives revolve around..ANYWAYS-
War..We got to talking about war in global today..And I just realized how much it pissed me off.. (and with the help of Krista's lil war paragraph..)..But..It's totally meaningless.. we spend sooo much time and money on war weapons, when we could be spending it on peace, and helping OTHER people live INSTEAD of killing them...We've made so many damn weapons to kill that I swear to god we could wipe the entire universe out with one huge galatic BOOM....It's nutz...Everyone goes about their daily lives..In work..In school..Worrying about who's with who, and who's had sex with who, and whether or not he really loves me..Gettin money money and MORE money to get luxeries in life....When its all totally meaningless..OUR LIVES ARE POINTLESS...i swear to god.. we could die just so easily...And we're so consumed with pety little things..But I guess thats life thats what we have to live for...Not everyone can be a world leader- and revolutionize a country to the way they want it to be...I'm just so sick of humanity..It's repulsive....I dont want anyone to die....I just wish people like stupid head- saddam hussian would stop being so selfish and try to better the world- instead of make things worse...GRRR...And Bin ladden..Wtf is up his ass?? He's just jealous that we're a modernized country.. who says that people who are islam CANT live in a modern country like the U.S.A and still keep their customs and religion...DAH..whatever..Im just rambling...I miss darrin alot today..I dont know why..Maybe its because I havnt really talked to him since like...2 days ago...When my average is talking to him for like 5 hours straight a day....Valentines day is tomorrow and I guess im suppose to see him, but im so exhausted and confused to think about where im going (mom or dads) and what im doing....I guess im going to go read some poetry now...OH YEAH NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!! :-D WOO HOO Haha..OH AND NO SCHOOL MONDAY..Woo the FUCKIN HOO!!!!!! ..allright...G-day..:-P

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 1:55 PM

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Well im back again.. it's now 8th period (band)..And I weezled my way out of it...Seriously though..I have a quiz on a couple chapters out of this book we're reading in English class..And ive only read half of the first chapter.. :-/ opps..Oh well..I'll get around to work within the next....2 periods...SPARK NOTES.. :D What a lifesaver...
Okay enough talk about school... hoo yeah...Valentines day IS evil as melody said..it's such a commercialized holiday..but today what ones arent?? It still gets me a good excuse to make my parents take me to see Darrin....When neither of my parents want to drive me to see him, I pout and say "But its valentines day..:(:(" Then if that STILL doesnt work..Use plan B...THROW ONES SELF..That ALWAYS works.. Just act like a bitch, and then you'll get your way...Maybe with my dad, but not necessarily with my mom...If I act like a bitch to her, She'll come back by being one 5 times that....God I hate school....I can't even get through a full weak w/o skipping anymore...Without get exhausted with everything and NOT being able to get up in the AM...Oh well, it'll get better.. MORE THEREPY anyone? Everyone SHOULD get therepy..People have so many problems today..Life is hard...We can't keep ourselves occupied with working on a farm anymore... Oh that reminds me..yesterday I went to the dentist..And as i was sitting and waiting, I read an article about this 17 year old girl who lived in a tribal villiage in Africa...All's this girl wanted to do was to go to school, become a doctor, and marry a man who respected her and who she loved.. but she said it was custom in her village for parents to chose their daughters husbands at the age of 14...NOT ONLY THAT..BUT..They have to get CIRCUMSIZED!!! At first I didn't understand how a chick could get circumsized..But as the article went on..I UNDERSTOOD..and let me say...!!OUCH!! seriously I dont understand how anyone could do that...I dont understand how that could be a tribal custom, and WHY they would want to do that...I wish I could revolutionize the entire world...But anyways back to the circumsicion thing..She said that when she was 16 her parents were making her get married and circumsized...They dragged her into a slaughter shed, and had women hold her down..They were telling her not to scream and that everything would be fine...she had like 4 women holding her down..Then she said the women who was doing the procedure took out a sharp razor blade, and began slicing her clitors and libia out...She said you could hear the slash's like it was some kind of "rare meat.." and blood was gushing all over her...Then she said that they didnt give her any anesthesia (sp) or pain killers throughout the entire procedure, and after it was done, they didnt give her and bandages...She said she bled for 7 days straight...and the "doctors" there said that urine was the key to healing...ouch ouch ouch!!!! Sorry, as u can tell im getting a little bored here when i start rambling on and on about circumsicion.....allright well i guess its time to go...I just got busted for being on my post.."school related only.."bah...what a crock of shit..

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 1:04 PM

hoo yeah im in school right now once again....My computer at home is dumb and stupid, and slow so I just get too lazy to wanna write anything on it..EVERYONE is absent today!!! :( Rachachi and melsers... THEYRE ALL GONE!!!! Well..okay theyre "sick"...But same difference... :( My friends are about the only good part of school...AND HEY the bell just rang..opps I thought I had more time then that but i guess that im wrong..adios

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:41 AM

Monday, February 10, 2003

Yey im @ school during lovely lunch time....Melody isnt here today dammit! Where is she??..*whimpers*...Well Yesterday went really good.. ;-) I didn't get to go to the mall but I went to Darrin's instead and we just hung out the whole time..;-) LoL...He's great..I really love Him..Dunno what I'd do w/o him....Ugh..I hate school..Im in such a blah mood today..Like I want to go home yet I know it's not good for me so I can't.. I've still got like 3 more periods to go..It would normally be 4 but one class period today is block (double period)..So it's like an hour and a half long...that would be ENLGISH.. >.< GOD I HATE BLOCKS!! why do they even have them?! REALLY?! what is the point of having them it makes no sense at all...Why cant we just have normal scheduals? With many more AIS wednsdays of course ;-)....Im so bored with school its not even funny..But I guess I just gotta duke it out....Whoa I have no clue why I was just rambling about school....But anyways..
I wish I wasn't so damn insecure about everything..It's like im living my life in fear of myself and who I really am.. and I cant stand it anymore...I really can't!! I just want to be happy with who I am, And no matter what I do, and no matter how much I change myself, I can NEVER be happy.. Im insecure about my thoughts, my feelings, the way I Look, things that I have...Even all the good that I have in life I always seem to get insecure about it....It's like I can't just go with a good thing when I know that I have it....Im always scared of losing what I have...It's happened too many times before.. I've lost someone I thought loved me, or im used.."TRUST IS THE HARDEST THING TO GAIN EASIEST THING TO LOSE".. I just can't be good enough...I NEVER feel good enough for anyone, not for my parents, my friends, my b/f...or even myself...UGH..I don't even know what im talking about right now because i cant even think straight today...so w/e..
UGH...people these days really make me sick...almost EVERYONE has had or DOES have a fucking eating disorder in some way..everyone feels insecure as fuck..And no one is happy with themselves anymore..
Damnit the period is over...Time for Global and Mr.McGee...
Oh today is my dad's bday..he'slike 53..AND i have a dentists appointment..What a full and exciting day ahead of me..

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:41 AM