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Saturday, February 08, 2003

well...My moms computer went all freaky earlier like RIGHT after I posted that last blog and I only got on like half an hour ago...I live my life through the net, and that fact is just gettin really really...old...I mean...It's like people watch tv all the time? well I'm online all the time...Either reading or writting, or talking to people.. Thats it...I hardly get out anymore.. that might be my fault because I choose to think everything is going to hell one way or another so why bother...I won't do anything anymore unless I know that it's going to make me happy someway or another.. I wont just go to the mall with my dad and chill with him... I'm just so entangeld within myself its not even cool anymore....okay fuck the thought I just had...I can't keep my mind on one thing anymore...i get so distracted sooo easily.....I'm like a dog with a puddles of anti-freeze everywhere, and If I don't avoid them, and drink them, I die....
Ugh!!! Everything is so fucked...With everyone..EVERYONE..EVERYTHING....is soo fucked...Everything...jesus christ..Life really really bites most of the time....all the close friends I used to have, I don't really even have anymore...It's like my world is Darrin Because it's like he's the only one who cares about me anymore.. He's the only one I know that loves me, and he's THE ONLY ONE who is there for me anymore....Ive got melody too...We've become really good friends, and she can always make me laugh...But..eh I don't know...Like all my old best friends..It's like they could care less anymore..I mean, I know they care, But they get too sick of me easily.....I don't even know....I really don't....things suck ass...I just want some escape..I want something that Im always sure about, and that I dont always have to doubt..Because almost everything right now I always seem to doubt..all my happiness, and love, and everything that goes right for a while..I just start to doubt and get pessimistic about it.....I always need reasurrance of insecurites and things that don't even exist...I'm so scared of losing the love I have, that I become totally involved and dependent on it...I wish things could be different...But I guess life is just something I have to deal with..It's either that or I die.. And I'm not quite ready to die yet...

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 8:49 PM

*yawn* I just woke up to my little cousin shaking me...-_- I hate it when people do that...Ah so last night, How was the dance you ask? It was fun...Not THAT much dancing, but I don't like to dance all that much unless i'm with friends.....As long as i'm with Darrin I don't really care...GARY wouldn't dance with me.. He was like "we broke up, we shouldn't hug.." or something.. Damn, I just wanted him to DANCE with me... He's known me all his life yet he couldn't even dance with me...Oh well- I'll get him back sometime...I kind-of got in it with Josh C. But not that bad.. When I first saw him I gave him the finger and said "fucker"..and he just looked at me like "WTF?", and then some chick started defending him and saying stuff like "blah blah blah and you shouldn't even have a boy friend..." I didn't really hear her, but I don't really CARE either....Later on, Josh asked me why I was still mad @ him...and I just got so pissed...We didn't really FIGHT, we just kinda stood there raising our voices above the music and me laughing @ his stupidity...Then Darrin got tired of it and shoved me away...Josh is so clueless...EVERYONE is so clueless to how life really is I think...People my age anyways...If someone tries to committ suicide, or has a nervous breakdown, or is depressed- well I hate to break it to you, BUT THATS FUCKING LIFE and it HAPPENS ALOT more than people think..ALOTTT MOREE...I don't really think it's your place to go running around telling people that it happened...Josh was like "yeah well he's one of my best friends, and I thought his mom should have known if something was going to happen to him.." OMFG.. SOMETHING WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO HIM.. Like im just gonna depress him all to hell and kill him, RIGHT?!?!!? Cuz I mean, If you've BEEN depressed before, and you've DONE stupid things, your OBVIOUSLY going to make other people depressed and MAKE them do stupid things too...RIGHT?!?!?!?! GOD HES SO STUPID!!!! But I'm kind of over it now...since last night I decided not to care about Josh anymore, and to just leave it be...I kind-of feel sorry for him...I guess he's an okay person, but he just hasta realize that things he does and says HURTS other people....yeahhh okay... LoL enough of me ranting about that....I love Darrin.. :D Just thought I'd say that one more time...He's such a goofball, I love it...
Ehh today is saturday and I have nothing to do.. I don't wanna really just sit here all day...Maybe i'll get my mom to take me to the mall.. AND MAYBE I can get her to let darrin come... maybe maybe maybe.. but I dunnnnnoooo.....I guess I'll write more later when I have something more interesting to say...Caio

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 10:53 AM

Friday, February 07, 2003

Well....Har Har....Im in school right now.. suppose to be doing "homework" right now...Mr.O didn't make me take my unit test, but i can tell that he's gettin very frustrated with me not being there to do work on time....Im in a kind-of good mood thing today but that would only be because I get to see my ~*Baby*~ tonight... I hope... If his mom decides last minute to change her mind about him going.. I'll be thouroughly pissed...Grrarrr...His mom hates me btw, But I think that she's gettin better with me...All parents hate me.. I don't know what it is... Seriously.. Melody's parents hate me, Darrin's parents hate me....I bet you all my friends parent's hate me... But that FINE.. They're just not SCHNAZY enough to like me.....is it the black hair? or do I have like a secret reputation going around about me....Well fine, I don't care... I'll be a parent someday, and I'll influence all my friends to throw their parents that never liked me into homes...Hell I'll become someone of authority like someone that throws people into psych wards, and when they get kicked down because of "life".. I'll say "sorry nope..YOU messed up therefore YOU don't have a choice..your GOING to be locked away where they watch ur every move- force you to take medications, make you eat-Take anything sharp or metally u even POSSESS away from you... Take you down-put u in a restraining coat and give u a shot in the butt the first time you freak out....Yeah..ITS A GREAT PLACE..You get to have hygene lessons of how to WASH yourself properly, and talk about how your feeling, and all the negative shit thats happened to you in your life ALL DAY.....Then you get stuck with crazy compulsive lyers for roomates that smash in the screwed on plastic picture frames in the walls and scream at the things that are staring at them in the walls.. well im gettin bitched at for typeing too loudly so im going to go to LUNCH and watch other people eat the nasty cafetaria food and talk about sex with MELLERS.. if she's here...Adios amigos.......

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 11:13 AM

Im going to bed.. really I am.. like after I'm done writting this... Im all ancy tonight.. tomorrow I have a bio-midterm..And i havnt been in class to review- or to get the REVIEW-STUDY sheet.. But who's fault is that? yeah...So I can't blame anyone but myself...Theres this stupid guy who IMed me last night, and he wouldnt under any circumstances tell me who he was.. But he seemed to know me, and he said someone I know gave him my sn saying we'd be "good together"...Later on he blocked me cuz he found out I was 16, and I guess he's 21 and he was all "I don't dip under 18..sorry.." okay.. HE IMED ME! I just wanted to know WHO THE FUCK he was, and WHERE he got my sn...He's one fucked up dude....If anyone knows a guy by the sn Jgarret620.. TELL ME PLEASE.. and if your the person who GAVE him my sn...Me will severely hurt you...;)
But anyways.. Tomorrow is Darrin's dance! :-D I'm really happy and I can't wait to see him... God, I love that boy so much....He is what gives me hope for a future and happiness...I love all my friends too ;D but ya'll know what I mean..?...
My daddy is @ work right now, and I guess it's snowing or whatever... I hope it snows REALLY hard so we have no school tomorrow- But Darrin's school does so I still get to go to the dance ;-)...I really hate school...UGH, but I know that I have to go..or Do I?! my subconcious early in the AM seems to disagree with me -_-... eh.. okay.. going to bed now..Toodles...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I live my life locked in a one way- glass box-
Seeing everyone that doesn't see me..
Screaming and scratching my way out-
I'm really only wearing myself down-
And my point is now dull..
I can't even pose anymore-
People just see right through me-
My existance is meaningless and obscure-
So why do I even try anymore?
I set myself up for another fall-
And each time I fall deeper and harder.
Surrounded by my own tortured thoughts-
I try to fool myself with temporary remedies..
Locking myself away from the world-
The pain And torture..
Only causing myself even more problems-
I am the cause of my own twisted troubles..
And I am completely lost..
Theres absolutely no direction-
And no where to go...
I've given in too easily...
And I'm now about ready to give up--
There's no point in even crying anymore...
Im a just sitting duck-
Waiting to be shot..

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 2:31 AM

Thursday, February 06, 2003

God....What is happening to me? seriously??!?! I don't know what was wrong with me this morning.. I knew I should have gone to school.. God!.. I told myself... "just get up-Just go!!!" But I still couldn't... I was really really disoriented this morning and severely confused....I think it's sleep deprivation... going to bed anywhere between 2-4 o'clock am, and getting up at 6 something in the morning is catching up to me... I kept reading my alarm clock wrong-and not hearing it...I would get up to hit the sleep button just because it's habit...I kept thinking and dreaming completely weird things.. GOD..ya'll wont understand because I don't even know how to describe how utterly confused and tired I was this morning....My alarm first goes off @ 5:55.. and I didn't shut it off until 7:15 when I just said fuck it....And I was still confused when I woke up @ 2:30 this afternoon...I had realized "well..I didn't go to school.." and that really really pissed me off and depressed me... It's way to easy for me to stay home, and my future is going to hell...So I got in this whole.. "must do school work kick.." and I just sat in my room from 3:00 till about 5:30 doing homework....Still- that isn't going to help me all that much considering im not in class to get particpation grades...I've probably missed more school then anyone in our grade so far this year.. or anyone in the whole flippin school for that matter.. damn- I need to wake up and get my ass in gear...>.< im so pissed off @ myself......UGH!!! People and teachers are probably thinking im just lazy and I dont give a damn...So theyre probably saying "oh well-if she doesn't care-then why should we?" This is gettin crazy and outta hand....Why can't they just TALK to me...Why can't someone NOTICE.. Its not possible for someone to be sick this much without like having some deadly disease....Don't they see that? I havn't even gotten in trouble for coming to school late all the time-and missin so much...sometimes I tell myself I want to be sick, I think I influence my mentality to become sick...I think I want to get in trouble so I'll get scared into comin to school.. I NEED A WAKE UP CALL!!!!!!! I DO care- They just DONT understand what im going through and how I feel.. No one does.. I can't even explain how I feel anymore..... DAMMIT.....I wish someone would just smack me, move in with me- and be like my boot camp-assistant- Kick the shit outta me until I get outta bed- and force me to do my homework-......My dad thinks I do okay, cuz I always have...Maybe bad grades will make him see that im not okay....that, or he'll just be all dissapointed and get depressed over it...I don't think people even care anymore... I'll just get bitched @ by my mom and step dad and... my whole maternal side of the family will just bitch and blah blah.. well theyre NOT here- I hardly ever see them, or TALK to them.. So it's not their place to fucking bitch...maybe if they CALLED once in a while, and talked to me about how things were- They'd have a lil more of a clue about how my school work is and shit....But do they? NO!!!!!! Sometimes its like a month before I'll even talk to my mom on the phone, and then see her......oh well.. I guess it's life...I hardly talk to my dad either- And I live with him... unless our convorsation is.. "hey whats for dinner?"....Fuck dinner- I don't even need THAT anymore....I don't even know what to do anymore.. Life is pointless, and Im nothing.....Im totally lost within my own world....Completely alone....
I was laying on the couch when I woke up this afternoon- and I was looking @ a picture of my brother..I just said "this is all your fault.." I know that's not true.. It's not his fault that he's dead.... I don't know why I said that.. I guess I just ment that I lost all control when he died....I couldn't handle my emotions after that point....damn...I miss him.. :( I miss my old life, I miss structure- and happiness- I even miss the fighting.....At least when there was fighting- I wasn't always just sittin here in front of the computer in silence... He was always there.. Why did he have to die??? IT wasn't his fault!! HE WASNT EVEN DRIVING!!!!!.... Im so mad and confused @ the entire world right now.. so w/e... >.<

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 6:11 PM

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

hmm.....I feel really shitty...I don't even know what to write...I can't even write a poem anymore because my thoughts are like glued to the inside of my heart- and I can't get them out...Why do things always have to go like this? okay one moment-shitty the next...ups and downs ups and downs..damn its worse than a fucking roller coaster... I cant even stay level for one second...I just wish there was some answer, some cure to making me feel good again..Not just for a short time- but for a LONG time...People don't get it.. I don't even care who reads this anymore.. it's life.. shit happens, people get depressed, and angry, and sad...What makes me any different?? Why can't I just be happy?! Why can't I just go to school? Why can't I just enjoy things in life?...... Why do I even BOTHER to find answers to these questions, or to TRY to be happy?! There are only a few things that make me happy ANYWAYS.. once those are gone- Then what do I have???....... I can't take it anymore...I hate this, I hate who I am.. I hate everything....Why can't I just be a happy someone for a change???

...............I need to get away from myself.................

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 10:38 PM

"That is how love goes... you will fly and you will crawl, god knows even angels fall... and its a secret that no one tells.. one day its heaven, and one day its hell.. and its no fairy tale take it from me, but thats the way loves supposed to be!!"
!!LOVE!! I LOVE love!!!!!!!! I LOVEEEE DARRIN! yes! Love.. it's grrrreat...It can be pretty crazy too!!! And thats about the only thing on my mind right now...Besides the fact im like seriously hungry, and tired...But damn, I looooooove that boy so much! :-D.. Just in case ya'll couldn't tell! :) Even when I hate everything in my life, theres always that one thing that I keeps me going..LOVE...haha! im like a lil giddy-love sick puppy right now...I might even happy-puddle!! ;-)

Now that I'm done ranting about love...

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 12:25 AM

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

hey hey yey!!! we had nooo schooool today!! :D hehe!! I was suppose to get up @ 6:00 to do some HW that I DIDNT do last night..but cuz I was so flippin tired, I ended up hittin the snooze button like 10 times until it was 6:45.. I got up came down here and checked me messeges, and good thing for me, Jordie told me we had no school.. I was like "REAAAAAAAAALLY?!" and I turned on the TV and BEHOLD we're like the ONLY School around here w/o school...Weird..I was so happy I coulda peed my jammy pants! ;D S-VE is usually a hard ass when it comes to cancelling school...Icy Icy Raiiinnn....hehe!! That made my day.. I really didn't want to go to school today.. But i'm trying to push myself a little harder to MAKING myself go...I have to stop being so damn negative towards life, and start thinking about my future, and that what I do now, DOES affect it...I wish I could be confident and cool.. LoL.. Like..yeah that made no sense...I wish I could stop looking @ myself as some horribly plague to humanity, and start seeing good in myself and my life.. But it just doesn't work that way...I'll just blame it on my fucked up child hood ;-) Excuses make people feel not as psycho..When I know that my past is my past, and that I CAN change the way I think, If I really wanted to...Its hopeless...Im in a really Funkidellic mood today....*cough*...hmmm..I want Darrin to get online...I want to taaaaaaaalk to darrin.. I miss darrin.. Darrin darrin darrin! >.<...I think my friends are gettin annoyed with that name ;-).. But that's okay.. They can be annoyed..If theyre my friends they'll understand.... my obsession.. ;D.. mwahaha... "...Love is the first thing last thing on my mind..." yeah.. and the beat goes on.. Im in a reaaaaaaaaaaly funky mood.... So im gonna go pick up dirty clothes, and dust, and make my bed... and clean my ROOOOOOOOM... cuz... cuz I feel like it....I probably will only end up with a folded pile of laundry that will be all over my floor again tomorrow morning.. but thats OKAY..TOOOODLY TOODLES!!!!!!!! >=D

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 2:58 PM

Monday, February 03, 2003

ahhh! I feel Like a total nutcase right now.. >.< Like completely out of my mind.. maybe I am, and I've just choosen to never see it before...out of MY mind...no..It's more like im confined within the DEPTHS of my mind...I think that statement should be more like "oh no, that person isnt thinking the way that society thinks, so they must be OUT OF THEIR LIL MORAL HEAD" yeah... *cough* anyway... I'm trying to sleep...and I obviously can't.. I'm tired, yes.. But I can't sleep when everything I think about either pisses me off or depresses me...My fucking thoughts are going at 100 miles per hour, and it wont stop! AHH its like im trapped inside of every negative thought, and I can't find an exit anywhere...No doors or windows..Just walls and walls of bad bad thoughts...I mean, every bad thing thats occuring in my life right now, every insecurity, every bad THOUGHT, EVERY BAD THING- even those stupid bad things I THINK ARE THERE, that arent there, im thinking about...AHH why can't I get away from it all dammit!? Just be a happy schmappy person..Who can STAY happy for an ENTIRE DAY without falling back within the depths of gloom? Why do I even TRY to be positive? I know it wont last....Sometimes I lay there and just say to myself..."I want to dissapear..Just be invisible so no one can see me..underneath my bed covers, sleeping..." I just WISH.. I don't want to die, just dissapear... It might be better for the world if I was dead, but Im not quite ready for that yet, I'd rather let nature take its course on me right now, and let IT decide when my number is up...I don't even care who reads what my thoughts are anymore...Let people think what they want to think, if someone has been through shit in their life, then they'll understand How I feel, and they wont judge me and say i'm a bad person because of it, cuz im still alive, and breathing, and i'm still going.. Even if im JUST BARELY pushing myself, I havn't given up yet...have I?....God.. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...Maybe everything I think is, or has really all been an illusion..."LIFE CONSPIRACY".... The love I thought was real- what if it wasnt? What if its all just...fake, conterfeit illusions..I mean, What if everything im living for now, just dissapears, it dies, turns its back from me...Realizes im not what it thought I was? -LIES- Because, its no suprise folks, I couldnt care less about life right now.. I'm living for only a select few things that make me happy.. and the fear of the unknown death...keeps me away from IT....depression is like the deepest saddest emotion ever...Its like your lost in this huge huge painfull abyss, with no escape at all.. and the worst thing of all, is that your all alone...Everything i am now, I dont want to be....I want to be "nothing more but a conterfeit illusion".. . Obviously If I want to change, and not be the person I am right now, then the person I will become, wont be the person I was ment to be... I would go to dramatic measures to change my appearance...But will that really make everything bad inside of me go away?... probably not, but hey, I'll look good and be more confident...I just wish....Things could be different for everyone..That pain and all this shit didn't exist...That I could sleep right now and dream of good things, instead of lying awake, stressing about every single thing in my life, and lettin jealousy take over everything good I have as it is...Ive said it before.. I guess I'll just go ahead and say it again.. LIFE FUCKING SUUUUUUCKSS!!!! Lets start a revolution.....Why can't we just do what we wanna do?? Have fun? be with the people we want to be with? sleep when we wanna sleep, have sex when we wanna have sex...Do all the things that this world right now wont let us do because its not moral, and its against the law..Lets all smoke a bowl, and Have wild sex parties.. fuck school and all of the preppy ass bitches inside of it, lets make our own schools with the people WE WANT IN THEM.. *okay, so a girl can dream right?* Yeah yeah, so everyone has morals and a concious, (MOST PEOPLE ANYWAYS) and we must keep this lovely lil environment into a non-chaotic stature....So I dream the impossible, and know the reality... I don't want you all to think im totally insane...Even if I am, you don't need to know it.. ;-) .... ... .. .. . . . . . .. ........ ........... ......... . . . ...... ........... ... . .. ........ .. . . ........ ... . ... ... . ... . . Okay.. I'm done I guess.. I'm going to go back to my negative thinking of how everything should just go away and leave me alone....G'night....G'mornin.. whatever the fuck time it is..

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 3:52 AM

okay okay..can't sleep.. >.< what the hell is wrong with me?? seriously.. *CRIES*.. Tonight is a very odd night... ahh im so emotional..and totally sickened by the world around me and the society which is in it... I could just puke all over the United Kingdom and and and... BUSH... and Prude preps, and pretty-skinny bitchy people.. I HATE THIS FUCKING WORLD!!!!!GOD DAMN!! Who invented war? It's like natural right? Well its STUPID.. Just watch.. So many people are gonna die if we go to war..Like "REAL" war, and its gonna be a new age of.. "Make love not war"... where like 50 new STD's will be created cuz our nation will be so fucking poor and chaotic no one will give a rats ass...We're all gonna die a slow and painful death...OoO that reminds me the other day I was in the car with my dad..Going to the doctors and we stopped @ a stop light- and in the car next to me was this woman smoking a ciggarette..This woman looked soooo damn unhealthy..I think she was coughing too.. Just for some ODD reason..I said really silently to myself..."That woman is going to die...very painfully.." I didn't even realize my dad was paying attention, but he then says, "Yeah she'll have a clutching death grip on the hospital bed railing with all of her strength, fighting for every last breath before they finally put her on machines.." Uhm.... Morbid? JUST A LITTLE... My dad likes to, SCARE me into not smoking.. He HATES it when people smoke ciggarettes.. He hates it with a passion.. More than ANYONE else i've ever met...The funny thing is, he used to smoke himself...I guess he got diagnosed with emphasima or something, and he quit really fast...He's always.. "Yeah, Look at that beautiful women right there, she has everything going for her, except that death stick in her hand.. That's just so unattractive" or something.. He does it ALL The time...But...I don't know.. our world is so...dah...We're surrounded by death and hatred, and cruelty and saddness.. I mean take a good God damn look at the world around you people.. What wins? Love? or Hate? Happiness? or Saddness? REALLY? This is one thing to tell me who is more powerful if there really was a """"God""""... The """"Devil"""" would be. I mean, when this world consist of so much more hate and violance, then love and peace...That has to show who is stronger...It's almost easier to believe in the devil on that fact ALONE...UGH Religion just fucks me up.. I'm not gonna get into it....I've been crying like all night.. I don't even know why...I cried while I was reading some poetry, and playing the piano, and watching TV.. I cried during damn a skin care commercial...Damn..I am so insecure its not even fucking funny...Perfection is like such a want that totally ruins people's lives and destroys all happiness which is within them...It's STUPID.. But at the same time, people can't help it..EVERYONE in some way or another is insecure about SOMETHING....I just happen to be insecure about more than one thing.. Like, EVERYTHING...I've got good reason to be though.. If you take a good look @ me...Im DAMN ugly.. Like really...Outta all the different ways I could have entered this world looking- I came out like THIS...As I was telling a friend.. I thnk its because my mom smoked really heavily or something...I don't think she even CARED that there was a baby inside of her.. with all honesty..Like "oh yeah, theres a living thing inside of me but I think I'll just pollute the lil peanut sized lungs out early so she can come out as a dumb-lowered IQ ugly baby..with a small brain, and shriveled up pruney skin.."yeah well you get the point.. With each kid my mom smoked more and more with...My Oldest brother weighed the most, Jared my 2nd oldest brother weight like 6 pounds something.. I was 5.5 and then my moms supposed "4th child"well Look where that is....uhhm.. right it never even made it out alive...It's like..I dont know....She didn't care... :-/ I mean she left us all easily enough...Im gonna start crying dammit..What the hell is wrong with me? I NEVER cry this much.. I hardly EVER do unless its physical pain, or like someone hurt me really bad... I love my mom, no one get me wrong..I've just got...issues..Har Har-But don't we all?? ... Argh..school tomorrow.. :( another day full of fucking DUMBASSES, and work, and criticism, and trying to live up to the ever so common "societies standerds" being beautiful, and gettin good grades...Just being decent..WHO WANTS TO BE DECENT AND GOOD? I DONT! I want to be a fucking...I don't know..DIFFERENT.. I'm so sick of everything....GOD I HATE THIS WORLD!!! >.< CAN I SAY IT ENOUGH?!?! CAN I HUH?!?! NO!!!!!!THERES NO POINT IN EVEN BEING ALIVE ANYMORE! DAMN!! okay.. wow...I feel like im gonna explode.. Like im a balloon thats about to deflate and die- yet im still sensitive enough to just pop....askdbsajdbsahdbhjabvyhbavsaydvaydgvady GOOD NIGHT >.< and FUCK YOU ALL!!!!! cuz I know you could care lessssss!!!! GAH!

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 2:46 AM