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Friday, January 31, 2003

Well..I havn't written in here for a few days.. I've been sick and tired and stuff... and blahblah.. Well I went to the doctors and he said my symptons are most likely from a mild virus along with stress that was making them worse...Stress...Should my life be all this stressfull when im only 16 years old? seriously?... yeah well it is.. adults are always like "oh you dont know what stress is" and blah blah.. well when u get physically sick from it- and have like nervous break downs.. I believe a teenager can know what stress is as well.. Things today arent the way they were when our parents were growing up..Life now is alot harder for kids... alot more complex.. I think its even more judgmental.. yeah..I hate life.. >.< it sucks...You have more bad times then you do good.. And the bad feels worse- and can last longer...
I woke up this morning looking like a sunburned tomato....I mean last night when i put this acne cream on- its not the first time ive used it.. I havnt used it for a couple of weeks cuz i was out- but last night I got a refill.. I think it reacted funny with this new cleanser im using.. Anyways.. I got up and went the bathroom.. walking down the hall saying to myself "Damn my face is itchy and burny..hmm" and I go in the bathroom- look in the mirror.. and i think I screamed..You only see things like this on TV...It's like the cream DYED my skin pinkish-red... My luck is running out I swear..Tomorrow night I have a dance... And I dont know if this is going to go away by then- and if it does go down a lil- If I can cover it up :-/... Maybe I just dont have any luck..God I dont know... Things Like this always have to happen to me don't they? I'm a freak of nature.. A total freak... >.< GRRR
I'll add more later about something a little bit more interesting... Ciao

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 4:24 PM

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

okay ill talk about today and yesterday since yesterday i was too tired... Today i woke up sick as a dog.. it was BADDDDDD but I still went to school and took my lovely spanish regents which i most likely failed...I probably would have done better NOT taking it...But thats okay.. Yesterday was a kick-ass day (exclude math regents)...It was just funny as fuck... hahah.. Talking about sex can be the FUNNIEST damn thing EVER.. Right mel?? word of yesterday.. 'ORGASMIC'... YeY.. damn I dont know, me and mel were just laughing our asses off all day....there are so many prudes at our school..and its just sooo funny to say things like "casual sex" to them and watch them spaz out ;-).. like Rachel said.. "I wonder what she'll do if I say kinky sex...or EXTREME MASTURBATION!" lmao...wooo....
Today was boring and dazy.. I felt and still do feel like shit stuck on the bottom of someones shoe...uck...and I look like road kill ran over 5 times...I love gettin the normal "You look REALLY pale.." or "you look like a ghost" and "you look sick".. and my favorite "YOU LOOK DEAD.." when I dont wear make up.. I got a few of those today...joy joy...the marking period ends thursday.. and I still have alot to do.. one map test-one unit test- like 4 labs- and some spanish stuff.. I dont know if I can do it.. :-/ maybe I can.. If I work on it.. im just sooooo damn lazy...
HAHA 2 uhm..'dirty?' kids in my school GOT ENGAGED TODAY... well good for them... hahaha.. its just so funny... I wonder how long this is gonna last.... That was my laugh for the day...
Okie.. enough of my lovely 2 days... g-day..

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 6:38 PM

Monday, January 27, 2003

We Live 2 Die...So I got to talking about death with a friend tonight...He doesn't like to talk about it, because he can't "deal" with it.. But it's a part of life.. I mean.. really.. There comes a time when someone you really loves dies...Or you die before them... But it happens...Death is The worst thing I think that could possibly effect someone... It changes life completely..and it hurts more than any other pain you could ever feel.. it is TRUE heart break...I mean if youve ever broken up with someone you loved...Think of how much that hurts...It's like that but 100 times worse, Because they're NEVER going to come back, and you don't have any chance to say the things you never did say to them.. Like "I love you...I'm sorry.. or good bye".. Really.. It's so morbid but its LIFE... we really really do live to die... we prepare our lives to make them the best they can be before we die...and then where do we go? thats all in YOUR PERSONAL FAITH.. heaven? hell? Your own after world? who knows.. no one has proof of life after death.. Its all in your faith.. I don't care what anyone else says... You can't tell someone who's atheist there is a heaven, and that is true.. Because they simply do not believe in it, and in their world- THERE IS NO HEAVEN... You have faith in things you want to be true... There is no proof that Jesus rose again- except the Bible saying he did so.. there WAS proof that there was a man named Jesus.. But there was Muhammed..He was just like the story of Jesus.. He was a man that made his own religion- because he wanted to- or he was nutz... I can't exactly remember the story.. But I say if you believe in something- and you believe it's true.. then it is...Aliens? Heaven? Love? Spirits? Emotions in general- again are based on faith...Really...You make your own world- your own thoughts- your own EVERYTHING....Our minds are magic...We only use a minimal of our brains...So what is in the rest of them?? I believe in magic personally.. our minds can do anything... Humans are magical-mystical beings, with abilities to do wonderful or potentially devestating things...Just the ability to "reason" and to communicate- to laugh- to cry- to be happy and sad.. its MAGIC...think about it....If you believe in heaven.. then for you- there is a heaven that awaits you when you die.. If you believe in nothing- then there is nothing....I don't know if I make sense.. There could possibly be only one thing...But I don't think this wonderful "God" would punish someone for believe in the "Wrong" thing... what if they were never taught any different?? The Christian god is very critical...(no offense) But its true.. critical and hypicritical...It's just all so stupid...Back to the death thing and how it connects... When my brother died.. I threw my whole religion away.. I was so confused...I was beyond confused.. I would sit in my room and cry for hours a night- and I'd lay there thinking "where did he go..? REALLY? where did he go? How could a soul be here one day- and gone the next? Was he not important? WASN'T HE REAL?! Just where the FUCK is he??" I believe in super natural.. But When i was really confused about religion and life after death- and death in general.. I was just sick of it all..Then a friend told me something that made complete sense...Because I was christian before... I learned that if I didn't believe.. and if I had died.. I would go to hell...and I was really scared.. but all at the same time- I couldn't believe in christianity..It didn't please me- I simply did not believe in it.. Heaven to me doesnt sound all that glorious...To serve god- to be a slave to him- live all happily... blah blah.. it just doesnt sound good to me... I think when we die.. It should be another world...With all the magical things we could never really have here..and we're surrounded by those we love, and good people....Someone once asked me where I think Jared went.. I say Jared went to wherever he thought he was going to go.. which was probably heaven..So I just say "He's in his heaven playing foot ball and baseball on green green feilds and he's eternally happy and waiting for the rest of us to join him in a game..." But at the same time I think he sometimes is watchin over me- Like I can almost feel him.. I dont know... Death is scary- Its magical- It's sad- But its LIFE..
Okay...I guess i'll continue my thoughts on all this stuff later.. LoL.. I don't know If I made much sense.. Because i went from one thing to another, back to the one thing, then to a totally different thing.. but I was just pondering my brain, and I said whatever came to mind...Sorry If I offended anyone- But theyre my thoughts and opinions- not yours....Peace! :D

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 9:28 PM

I wrote a really big blog earlier- and at the moment i was about done- my computer decided to freeze on me... so im too tired right now to write about whatever... but i did just write this nifty wittle thing called "the mountain of life"

I'm Crawling all alone-
Up this Huge Mountain we call life-
I don't think i'll ever reach it to the top...
Everytime I get close to success-
I fall,
And tumble down..
Theres no ropes to pull me up-
Or hands to give me a little push..
At first it's beautiful-
Quite Breathtaking-
But Then sadly-
All beauty dissapears-
You become eternally negative-
As You realize the dangers-
And the frustrations-
That this challenge brings.
Gotta keep going-
There is no time to sit and take a breath..
Always working for the top-
Never enough time to even go slow..
When I do fall-
I have to start all over again-
All on my own..
Climbing-
Crawling-
Pushing my way up and through-
Will I ever reach the glory that sits up-top?
Or will I just continue to slide back down?
Maybe I should just give up..
Save my self the time and effort-
Of trying for something I may never reach..

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 8:29 PM

Sunday, January 26, 2003

.................Think about it..........................

So jealous and insecure--
Living life in ultimate fear.

We all strive for Perfection, and Acception,
But it's all just one deep-dark deception.

Against ourselves, and who we really are.
People Just reach way too far.

No one can be happy with who they're ment to be-
Does anyone KNOW who they are... really?

People try to be what society calls 'pretty',
But societies definition of pretty is more like 'pity'.

Always trying to satisfy others--
Wanting the perfection of life that smothers.

The insecurities of society-
Murders too many good people with corrupt anxiety.

So many masked souls are concealed,
People waiting to bust out from society- to be revealed.

No one can be who they really want to be-
To be your own person, is to be set free.

Yet Everyone is so vulnerable, so weak-
Life sets one up for failure with an invisible technique.

Lives are taken over with the want,
For people to be something that theyre not.

Don't get lost in the want for perfection-
Because you'll end up in the wrong direction.

Everyday is just so unsure-
Wanting and needing to be perfect-
But a Perfection that is only ever going to be...
-Insecure

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 10:45 PM

well today I sat around and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! YeY... I didnt even watch the super bowl.. Well, I watched half of the half time show.. Shania twain is so pretty...but she's gettin up there in the digits.. and what the hell is up with country singers dressin all 'punk' now?? It's wrong.. Theyre COUNTRY not PUNK...Gwen staffani kicked ass as well, and thats about all I saw..After Sting came on, I immediately changed the channel.. that was just torchure..Yesterday I went shoppin for a dress to the dance..It took me like 6 stores and 20 dresses to finally find a decent one.. I'll still look like a funky fat cow in it, but thats okay...Im just gonna hafta deal with the minor fact I resemble a hipo.. teeth, attitdue,physique and all...*sigh*
Oh god-Tomorrow would be our math regents..And Tuesday is our language regents.. But tomorrow is a whole fun filled school day of MATH.. the regents isnt until like 1:00 or something like that, and we still have to be at school normal time..to STUDY and REVIEW MATH!!!!!!! AHHH SOMEONE HELP...Why why whyyyyyyy do we have to take these regents when most of the people aren't even gonna count them?!?! GAH I hate school!! Good thing we have FRIDAY off...OoOoOo I got my oboe back today...How exciting.. Now i'll have a better sounding duck to play...I really should just drop band.. But I don't have the heart.. mr. miller guilts me out of it, and so doesnt my mom with the whole "I just bought you an oboe last christmas.." thing... GRR
Dontchya just hate jealousy?! I mean really.. It sucks..It- for me is probably the worse emotion.. It can fuck things up pretty bad, and make ya feel really shitty...It shouldn't exist.. But It's only human to be jealous of someone or something one time or another.. or ALL the time...However you work...Just remember to remember the facts and not get too caught up in what COULD be...
What else to babble about to keep your wee mind and mine entertained..Because obviously if your reading this-your pretty damn bored.. or really interested in my life... and that would mean you need a new hobby...Hell I need a new hobby...especially when I start babbling about myself needing new hobbies... o_O
Ahh sometimes I just wish I could be a lil kid again.. :( I mean really, EVERYTHING was easier and more fun back then.. (most of the time)... And you didnt have to worry about all the stuff that everyday life now brings...*CRIES* I WANT TO BE A LIL KID AGAIN!!! :( So with that thought- i'll leave you with a sucky-ass poem i wrote a few weeks ago...Enjoy

I was once able to dream..
Growing as a child,
Even the imaginary,
was exactly-
The way it seemed.
You could pretend-
You were a fairy princess-
In a far away land-
With barbie,
As your very best friend.
But now my dreams are in crumble-
I've grown up-
and I'm now dealing with "real life,"
I just trip
And I stumble.
No longer can I live life like a fantasy-
No more believing--
That there really is a Wizard of Oz - Or Santa Clause,
Just the focus of my future
And college degree.
Daddy is no longer-
The biggest man in the world,
And I Don't need help reaching,
Things way up high.
Reality has proved to dreamers.. what is stronger.
Things I once never cared about-
Now runs my life with making it harder.
I can never seem to be happy-
With the little things,
That in reality- no one can live without.
I Just wish that things-
Could be happy again,
That I had the innocence of childhood back.
And not live with the troubles..
That Everday life now brings..

Check mels blog --> www.cheeryemokid.blogspot.com

posted by =*=ThE*KRisP=*= at 10:42 PM